In an age where instant gratification is the norm—one-click shopping, on-demand shows, swipe-to-skip distractions—it’s no wonder our kids are struggling with self-control. And yet, according to Michele Borba’s powerful book Thrivers, self-control isn’t just a nice-to-have skill. It’s a critical foundation for lifelong success, resilience, and emotional well-being.
If you’ve ever wondered why your child melts down over a minor frustration, gets overwhelmed by choices, or gives up when something doesn’t come easily, this might be the root issue.
What’s Behind the Decline in Self-Control?
Borba doesn’t shy away from calling out the societal contributors. And as a parent, it hit me hard.
Here are some of the major culprits:
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Digital Overload: Constant access to screens is rewiring our kids’ brains for quick rewards and shorter attention spans. Dopamine hits from likes and notifications create a cycle that makes waiting or delaying gratification genuinely painful.
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Over-Scheduling: Kids are busier than ever. When every moment is structured, they don’t have time to practice patience or manage boredom—two key parts of developing self-regulation.
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Well-Meaning Parents: We love our kids, so we rescue them. We jump in to prevent discomfort or failure. However, in doing so, we sometimes deprive them of the opportunity to develop impulse control, frustration tolerance, and grit.
Why Self-Control Matters More Than Ever
Borba identifies self-control as one of the top character strengths of “thrivers”—kids who aren’t just surviving but flourishing in today’s world. It helps kids:
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Make better decisions under pressure
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Resist peer pressure and harmful habits
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Focus longer and follow through
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Regulate emotions in challenging situations
It’s not about making our kids robotic rule-followers—it’s about equipping them with internal tools to navigate life’s challenges with confidence and calm.
How Can We Help Our Kids Build Self-Control?
Here’s the good news: self-control is a learnable skill. And as parents, we have the power to model, coach, and create the conditions for it to grow. Here are some strategies from Thrivers and my own parenting journey:
1. Teach the Pause
Encourage kids to pause before reacting. Count to three. Take a breath. Use a calming phrase. That moment of space is often all it takes to shift from reaction to intention.
2. Make Waiting Normal
Don’t always jump to meet every request instantly. Let them wait a few minutes before you respond. Celebrate “waiting wins”—even small ones.
3. Play Games That Build Focus
Games like Simon Says, Freeze Dance, and even board games require impulse control. They’re fun, and they build the “self-control muscle” naturally.
4. Name and Tame Emotions
Help kids recognize their emotions and provide them with tools to cope. A child who can say “I’m frustrated” is less likely to act out from frustration.
5. Create Predictable Routines
Routines reduce chaos and give kids the structure to practice self-control in low-stakes moments.
6. Model It Ourselves
Let’s be honest—our phones tempt us too. Modeling restraint (like putting the phone away at dinner or admitting when we lose our cool) teaches more than any lecture.
Final Thoughts
Self-control doesn’t develop overnight. It takes time, intention, and patience—from both us and our kids. But if we want to raise not just high-achievers, but emotionally healthy, grounded human beings, this is the work that matters.
Let’s raise thrivers, not just survivors.
Start Your Child’s Journey Today
If you’re looking for a way to support your child’s development of self-control, martial arts could be the perfect fit. At Resilient Martial Arts in Midlothian, VA, we provide programs that build focus, patience, and discipline—all while keeping kids active and engaged.
Visit Resilient Martial Arts or contact us today to learn more about our programs. Let’s work together to help your child succeed in school and in life.